i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
