Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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