we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
