You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
