I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
