thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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