I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
