what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
