I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
