Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
