Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
