on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize