I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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