I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
