wrigley field is MILF paradise
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
