what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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