there's paper in my vomit.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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