OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
