Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
