We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
When are your genitals available?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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