I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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