I cannot find my penis.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
