How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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