I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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