just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
