I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize