...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He better not be in your backpack
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
