There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize