I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
