My girlfriend figured out who you are.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
