I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
