: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The uberlube is also flammable
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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