From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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