Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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