what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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