I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
