Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
