if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
