the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
