Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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