just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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