I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
