Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
