can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
