You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
