i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
