I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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