because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The ass gains better be worth it
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