I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
