i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize