I'm going to jail i love you
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
