Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
