we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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