I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
