i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I am midnight drunk by noon
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
