i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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