i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
