So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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