it's too hot outside to masturbate.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
