apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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