Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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